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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!