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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
Warning: I just get weirder.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!