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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.