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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.