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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?