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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list