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Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
You make me want to be a drunker person
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.