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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.