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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
Iām beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!