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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.