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I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
If you tickle me, Iām not responsible for your injuries.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`