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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.