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you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.