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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.