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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.