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To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.