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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.