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Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches