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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.