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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.