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Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.