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Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!