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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park