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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?