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Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.