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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.