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Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.