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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.