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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
One trenta cheeseburger please.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.