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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
This patience thing takes forever.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food