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Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!