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Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.