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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?