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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day