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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.