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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"