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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.