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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Good for you, people that do things.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok