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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.