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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.