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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.