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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.