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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.