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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...