Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.
is ready to have one too many!