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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC