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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave