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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
Carfax but for people
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.