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Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.