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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Don’t believe everything you think.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol