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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.