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I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Iām starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.