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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?