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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.